Getting Closer to Contentment

A few mindset shifts that help me appreciate where I am now

Illustration by Alyson Wagner

How are you, friend? I hope you’re finding some clarity and hope to guide your daily steps, especially around whatever obstacles may be unexpectedly showing up on your path. It seems quite a number of obstacles (which could also be called Life) have come between me and getting this post out into the world, so I thank you for your patience. 

What does contentment look like for you? Does it feel accessible or elusive? Do your feelings about contentment depend on your mood or the day of the week? 

Contentment can mean something different to each of us, depending on what makes us feel happy, secure, and fulfilled. Our notion of contentment can also change over time, shifting and reshaping based on our life experiences. But I would venture to guess that for many of us, our feelings about how accessible or elusive contentment is will vary depending on what’s happening in our lives right now—both external circumstances and internal processing. It’s often easier to feel content when our lives are going smoothly than when our lives are buffeted by one challenge after another. This is certainly true for me. 

And yet, I want to be able to experience contentment even—or especially—when my current season of life is tumultuous. Do you long for contentment to feel more accessible, too? 

Well, I can’t claim to know a secret formula that works for everyone all the time, but I can share what I’ve learned so far on my own path. Here are some mindsets that help me get a little closer to contentment when it feels far away:

Contentment and striving are not mutually exclusive.

In our industrialized world of nonstop activity, we’re constantly inundated with so many messages pushing us to keep producing, buying, consuming, achieving, and improving. Because of this cultural bias toward continuous progress and self-improvement, we may sometimes absorb the binary notion that feeling content is equivalent to settling for less, and if we want to improve our lives we must never get too comfortable with where we are. Only in recent years have I finally realized this is a false binary. I can experience contentment with what I already have, and I can still long for something else. I can feel satisfied with what I’ve already achieved, and I can still get excited about envisioning new projects or experiences. 

Contentment and striving are not polar opposites; they actually pair well. In my experience, slowing down enough to practice gratitude, celebrate small wins, and simply enjoy the present moment helps prevent burnout from nonstop striving. And taking small daily actions toward my intentions gives me enough forward momentum to sustain my contentment. It’s like going on a train ride: noting the stops along the way keeps me motivated to reach my destination, and looking out the window at the scenery gives me contentment about where I am in this moment.

Go small to go home.

You may have heard the expression, “Go big or go home.” This can be a motivating mantra to focus on when we’re about to embark on a major project or goal, and I’m not criticizing it. When I’m in search of contentment, though, I find it helpful to flip this saying upside down: “Go small to go home.” Focusing on the small things in front of me draws my attention to what’s good right here, right now, and then I can come home to the present moment. As a bonus, I often realize that what I initially label a “small thing” is actually a great mercy or an essential blessing I don’t want to take for granted. 

For example, whenever I worry about financial insecurity, I narrow my focus to today: right now I have clothes to wear, food to eat, and a roof to sleep under. This brings me a sense of peace and gratitude, which increases my contentment with what is already mine. After the historic Texas winter storms in 2021, during which my household lost running water for four days, and this year’s ice storm in February, during which we lost power for four days, I have a stronger appreciation for access to utilities that enable me to bathe, cook, keep warm, light the house after dusk, communicate with friends and family, and access information online. This allows me to feel much greater contentment with everyday things I took for granted in the past.

If I’m feeling anxious to reach an outcome—such as the completion of a long-term project— taking a pause to celebrate small steps forward gives me short-term satisfaction with the progress I’ve already made toward my goal. If I’m feeling impatient to receive something—such as a big-ticket item I’m saving up to buy—I remind myself that every dollar I save is moving me closer to what I want or need. It can also be very helpful to take my focus off these anticipated goals for a while and savor something I can enjoy right now, such as a soothing cup of tea on a quiet Saturday morning, a hot shower at the end of a long day, or an encouraging text from a friend.

Allowing myself to be human above all other roles and identities gives me permission to rest in who I am right now.

Each of us acts out a kaleidoscope of roles and identities on a daily basis—some conscious, many unconscious. What are some of the roles and identities you see yourself  inhabiting? A sample of the numerous roles and identities with which I describe myself include daughter, friend, neighbor, citizen, adult, marketing professional, writer, artist, and book nerd. 

Whenever I evaluate how well I’m filling all these roles and identities, most of the time I tend to focus on lack: I don’t keep in touch with my friends regularly enough (I’m not a good friend), I don’t get my work done efficiently enough (I’m not a proficient worker), I don’t clean the house thoroughly enough (I’m not a responsible adult), I don’t write or make art often enough (I’m not a real writer/artist). Do you see the pattern? Not enough is the common refrain. In my critical estimation, I’m not doing or being enough. 

However, I’ve come to realize that this scarcity mindset focused on my own limited, inner resources is a surefire way to get to burnout faster. Because the more I tell myself I’m not enough, the more I begin to feel like everything around me is too much. And a lot of the loudest messages I hear from the outside world don’t help, either—many conflicting, but all with the same drumbeat of not enough, not enough: Buy more stuff! No, save more money! Create more work product! No, spend more time with your family! Can you relate?

What recently dawned on me in a way I’d never considered before, as obvious as it may sound, is that my evaluation of all of these roles and identities I align myself with leaves no room for nurturing my most essential identity, the one we all share: human. When I’m thinking about all the other parts I play on the stage of life, do I ever ask myself, Have I eaten enough today? Do I need to drink more water? How much sleep did I get last night? When was the last time I went outside for a walk or did a workout? Why do I feel so anxious right now? Did I stop to look up at the sky and remember there’s an entire universe of possibilities out there? Sadly, instead of always asking myself these questions in the gentle spirit of self-care, I often tend to use them as another harsh grading metric: I’m terrible at keeping a fitness routine, I have no proper bedtime, I don’t eat enough fresh produce. 

But what if I were to remind myself that in order to be fully present as a daughter, friend, worker, etc., I need to prioritize my humanity above all other identities? Assuming the identity of human as my leading role gives me the space I need to make mistakes, forget someone’s birthday, skip vacuuming the house (I’m not going to tell you for how many weeks!), pay attention to my feelings, tend to my body, breathe, rest, and just be who I am right now. In other words, what if I give myself permission to be fully human?

Being human first allows me to ebb and flow with the rhythms of life and the inner drumbeat of my own heart rather than constantly chasing after the noise of the outside world. Easier said than done, of course, or I would never be hard on myself again! But that’s an essential part of being human, too—falling down, dusting myself off, and getting up to practice self-compassion again, over and over.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels

How about you?

Do any of these mindsets sound helpful to you? What are some other perspectives that enable you to get a little closer to your idea of contentment? If finding contentment is challenging for you, I hope these ideas give you some inspiration.

May you learn how to access your own version of contentment when you need it most. 🐌

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This post is part of a series about the gifts of slowing down. You can read descriptions of these gifts in my earlier posts, The Gifts of Slowing Down and More Gifts of Slowing Down.