Reconnecting with Yourself
A gentle self-evaluation practice for getting back in touch with yourself (and the world around you)
Dear friend, what kinds of connections rejuvenate your soul and make your life feel the most meaningful? Connecting with your family and friends? With nature? Art and music? Community? New (or familiar) places and experiences? A higher power?
Now allow me to ask you another question for reflection: How easy or difficult is it to make these connections you value on a regular basis? In my experience, it’s often more challenging than I would initially anticipate to connect with the people, things, and experiences I care about most. I think it’s safe to say many of us struggle to connect with the world around us from time to time, if not on a regular basis. Why is that? I have no doubt you and I can come up with numerous external reasons why, and while each of our lists will be uniquely different, they will also have some common themes.
But what about connecting with ourselves?
Have you ever thought about how your sense of connection to yourself affects the quality of connections you experience with the world around you?
I believe all of us are aware of this on a subconscious level, but we don’t always consciously take the time to self-calibrate. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago, when I chose Connection as my word of the year, that I began to realize on a conscious level how important it is to connect with myself on a regular basis if I want to experience meaningful connections outside of myself.
So how do we do this? One way is to conduct a gentle self-evaluation of where we are now, what we’re feeling, and how we got here. Below is a practice that helps me get back in touch with myself. Note that this does not have to be completed in one session; in fact, at first you may need to do it over a period of days or weeks until you start to discover your own patterns of disconnection. As you become more familiar with when and how your disconnects happen, you can pick and choose elements from this practice whenever you need to recalibrate.
1. Step away from autopilot and get grounded.
When I’m feeling any kind of disconnection, it helps to take a conscious pause. Many of my hours and days are spent muddling along on autopilot with self-care routines, work projects, errands, and other tasks that need doing. Of course, we need routines to help us stay on track with our responsibilities, and autopilot is very helpful for maintaining some sense of order in our lives. However, sometimes I find it difficult to switch off autopilot mode when my body and soul are crying for rest. Often I spend the majority of the work day staring at a screen, and then I take a deep breath, slouch into my comfy armchair…and stare at another screen. Or I spend the evening running multiple errands, and then I come home and bustle around from one housekeeping task to another. Can you relate? Autopilot is easy to get stuck in, even if it’s not always what I need right now. So I have to make a conscious effort to switch it off.
Getting grounded in my body is one of the most effective ways to do so. Whatever connects me with an awareness of my body in this present moment helps me toggle off autopilot mode, and that usually means adjusting my current rhythm. If I’ve been sitting all day, I need to stand up, stretch, do a few squats, or throw a five-minute dance party in my room. If I’ve been bustling around nonstop for the past several hours, I need to sit down, drink some water, and be still. Then I pay attention to how my body feels. This is usually the moment when I start to notice my neck is really tight, I haven’t hydrated for a while, and my eyelids are drooping. Finally, I get comfortable. I like to sit in my reading nook armchair with a cup of herbal tea, or lie down in bed with some relaxing ambient music in the background.
2. When and why do you feel disconnected from yourself? Take notes.
Once I get grounded and comfortable, then (if I’m awake enough) I start to do a gentle self-evaluation to help me figure out why I’m feeling disconnected from myself.
Do I feel any pain or discomfort in my body? What might be the cause?
I trace this back as closely to the source as I can. For example, why does my neck hurt? Oh right, I’ve been staring intensely at my laptop screen for the past two hours without a break. Maybe it’s also because I haven’t stretched in a while, or because I slept in an awkward position last night, or all of the above.
Do I feel any emotions that are bothering me? Where are they coming from?
I take a little time to explore what the trigger for my emotion(s) might be. Is is because of something that happened today, a memory from the past, or anticipation about the future? Sometimes I can’t come up with a specific reason, and I’ve learned to be okay with ambiguity. Often it helps just to acknowledge that I’m feeling out of sorts, and if I can name the emotion or emotions, especially when they’re a mixed jumble, that’s a plus.
Do I feel overwhelmed? Do I feel apathetic? How did I get here?
If I’m feeling overwhelmed, it might be because 1) I’m facing a lot of tasks at once and I don’t know where to begin, 2) I’m facing a lot of overstimulation, such as being in a crowded place with a cacophony of sounds and activities coming from all directions, or 3) I’m facing a lot of conflicting emotions at once and I don’t know how to make sense of them. If I’m feeling apathetic, it may be because I don’t feel challenged enough in my work, the task I’m doing doesn’t seem meaningful to me, or I’ve been under a lot of stress lately and I’m just tired of caring.
Are there specific scenarios, people, or activities that trigger my disconnects?
The more I do these self-evaluations, I begin to see some patterns emerge. For example, certain activities always feel draining for me—even some of the activities I enjoy—so I know I need to set aside recharge time afterward whenever I engage in them. Some things may seem like obvious triggers, such as not getting enough sleep or exercise, but these basic self-care essentials are the ones I struggle with the most, to be honest. And I think we’ve all had at least one experience of feeling disconnected from ourselves (maybe even wishing we could temporarily disconnect from our bodies and float away!) when we’re stuck in a conversation with someone who seems to be interested only in talking about themselves.
If it helps, take notes in a journal, on a memo pad, or in a notes app, and refer back to these the next time you experience a similar feeling of disconnection from yourself. You may not have any immediate revelations, but that’s okay. Just keep taking periodic pauses and jotting down your observations until the seemingly random puzzle pieces start to form a picture for you.
3. When do you feel the most alive? Why? Take notes.
This is the fun part of the self-evaluation. I reflect on moments when I have felt the most alive, because these are also usually the moments when I have felt the most connected to myself. Since I identify strongly as an artist, I feel most alive when I’m engaging in some kind of creative play—writing, drawing, designing graphics, taking photos, singing, or dancing. I also feel more connected to myself when I am spending time with people I can relate to—friends with common interests and values, co-workers with shared projects and goals, or pretty much anyone who likes punny jokes, to name a few examples. And I feel really alive when I get to engage in creative activities with other people—making crafts together, singing in a choir, visiting an art museum with a friend or two, or going to a play or music concert. Taking solitary walks in nature and exploring new destinations (whether locally or on vacation) are other activities that help me come alive.
Some of these activities may resonate for you, or you may feel most alive when engaging in something entirely different—gardening, hosting dinner parties, running marathons, etc. If it feels good for your mind, body, and soul, take note and do it as often as you can. Because when you feel more alive, you can engage more fully with the world around you.
4. Reconnect with a big splash or one toe in the water at a time.
Finally, I turn my self-evaluation into practical application. I make an effort to do the things that light me up more often, especially when I’m beginning to feel myself inwardly retreating or slipping away. Depending on my energy level, I might do one very small thing to rejuvenate a spark of aliveness, or I may decide I’m ready to do something big that will give me a major perspective reset. For example, I love spending time in nature, especially taking walks in my neighborhood park, but sometimes I feel so tired that the most I can bring myself to do is look out the window and watch the birds and squirrels, or water my houseplants. That’s okay. However much or little I’m engaging with the natural world, the important thing is that I’m doing it.
At other times, I want to have a fully immersive experience. Recently, I went to my local classical music radio station’s community day and felt myself slowly coming back to life like a parched plant receiving water as I took in all the wonderful live performances—a high school marching band, a saxophone quartet, a short opera, and a ballet workshop with an orchestra. I felt so many emotions in one afternoon, alternately laughing, shedding tears, and grinning. At times my whole body felt like a tuning fork—I’d sit perfectly still, enraptured by the music, yet humming inside with vibrant energy. I was reminded that experiences like these are a powerful restorative for me, because they’re not only about tapping into my emotions through the art but also about feeling—for just a little while—that I am connected with everyone in the room, both performers and other audience members, through a common bond.
Once you’re aware of the activities and experiences that help you come alive, you can dial them up or down depending on your current mood or energy level. The intensity doesn’t matter as much as the frequency. Do these things often, either as a quick break at home or as a planned outing (by yourself or with friends). That’s the beauty of this practice—it’s scalable in either direction, and it’s customizable to what works for you.
How about you?
What do you think about these self-evaluation questions and applications? Have you tried anything similar, and if yes, what has worked for you? What are some other questions you ask yourself or activities you engage in to recalibrate a connection to yourself?
May you find a quiet moment today to reconnect with yourself. 🐌
This post is part of a series about the gifts of slowing down. You can read descriptions of these gifts in my earlier posts, The Gifts of Slowing Down and More Gifts of Slowing Down.